i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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