Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
