So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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