Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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