just tell him i said nine months
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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