Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
