I wish life had little blips of pornography
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
