I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
