a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
and eventually we just all took our pants off
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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