I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
