she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize