Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I have aggressive nipples.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
