Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
