found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
