there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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