Define "chronic" masturbator.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
