he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
