seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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