At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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