I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize