Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
