um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
