she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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