I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
