How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize