I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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