every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
