I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
