I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
