so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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