The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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