that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
