birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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