Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
