She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
