Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
