She is in my trunk
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
