The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
