i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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