Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
