I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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