I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
