if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The best revenge is premature balding
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize