i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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