i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
