hotel room ftw
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
