My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
