in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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