highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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