hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Randomize
