i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
