My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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