too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
