I'd wear matching sweaters with you
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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