Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
