I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize