i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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