i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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