two words: eviction party
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This toilet bowl is my home.
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