3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
