So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
