You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
