I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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