the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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