there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
