I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize