Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
