Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
